The end of corporate stakeholders

After a seeming eternity of struggle, mankind has finally defeated the Undead. On a momentous day for humanity, the forces of goodness and light at last succeeded in banishing the Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies from the face of planet Earth.

This has led to widespread celebration, as the world renounces its collective fear of the dark, however there is one small segment of society who actually find themselves out of a job. Business stakeholders, stalwarts of commerce for decades, have all been made redundant.

“I never thought this day would come,” explains Stakeholder Trade Union President Peter Henderson. “When I went into Stakeholding 35 years ago, I thought it was a good stable profession, I thought businesses would always need people with stakes to protect against vampire attacks. Turns out I was wrong.”

Indeed this sentiment is widely observed across the industry. Once a key commercial focus, stakeholders would be situated all over organisations, and were regularly consulted and considered when decisions were made. However as vampires have become a less regular threat in recent years, the need for stakeholders’ services has been declining.

“We just haven’t had that many attacks recently, let alone attacks requiring a stake through the heart,” said one CEO, who asked to remain anonymous. “It was always good to have Stakeholders around, mainly for team morale, but for the last couple of years they’ve mostly been decoration.”

Consulting firms have also felt the effects. Strategy Consultant Jennifer Sibthorpe explains: “Interviewing the key stakeholders in the business used to be one of our core competencies, a real way we could add value, but as Count Dracula’s forces dwindled in number, that became less and less useful for our clients. It’s a shame, but businesses have moved on.”

Stakeholders maintain that they perform multiple other services, citing their expertise with both Garlic and Holy Water, but these services have struggled to gain traction outside now-defunct Undead protection departments.

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