Category Archives: News


Senior business leaders at Simeon Corp have astounded onlookers by making a significant strategic decision without the use of Powerpoint.

“I am not sure quite how it came about really. We discussed the problem at hand, and the range of possible solutions, then came to a decision,” said COO Mark Markson. “Somehow we managed all that without anyone putting a range of charts on a white background, and without a single Exec Summary.”

There was some prior communication, with the salient information shared in a concise email before the board meeting. “I kept clicking download all attachments,” said Advisor Jane Jamesen, “ready to trawl through the usual 50-slide monster. It was embarrassingly long before I realised that there was no deck attached!”

All involved cannot get over a faint sense of uneasiness with the whole process. “I know we have done the right thing for our customers, our shareholders and our employees but it just feels so naughty.”

Tagged , , , ,

Coffee and a Doughnut

A senior Exec at JAB Holding, owner of Kenco Coffee, was taken aback when his penchant for sweet treats got out of hand. The C-level Leader of the investment firm, who wishes to remain nameless, says he was nursing a hangover and expressed out-loud his desire to have “every Krispy Kreme under the sun to go with [his] coffee”.

“I was as surprised as the next man when I discovered that as a result we had bought the whole business,” with shares in Krispy Kreme jumping by 24% as Wall Street opened.

“The saddest thing is that my wife has me on a diet at the moment – I will sooner buy a Kale farm than I will enjoy a Chocolate Iced.”

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Artificial Untelligence

Once the exclusive domain of science fiction, Artificial Intelligence has become increasingly present in the public consciousness, most famously with AlphaGo beating Lee Sedol and perhaps most infamously with Microsoft Chatbot Tay.

However MainBrain, an AI startup based in Silicon fen, claims to have made a significant step forward in the development of Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), not limited to a specific game or task (such as Chess or Go).

“We’ve built on the work seen elsewhere using Deep Neural Networks to create MainBot, which we believe to be the first example of true AGI. It’s already mastered chess, and made a passable attempt at smalltalk regarding the works of Shakespeare.”

However what really convinced CEO Ellen Ellenson that we’re dealing with human-level intelligence was what MainBot does when it thinks nobody is looking “which is mainly browsing the internet and designating YouTube videos as ‘fake’ or ‘totally fake'”.

“I mean it engages in intellectual activities if it has to, but it’s much happier just watching Netflix.” MainBot itself has implored the people of the world not to worry, posting a “Keep Calm & Don’t Watch Terminator” meme on its Facebook page, accompanied by a winky face.

Tagged , , , , , , ,


With the turn of the tax year on April 6, regulatory changes will take place which will impact ordinary Britons’ and their livelihoods. One such change this year relates to the State Pension, and a survey by Consumer Group Which? of people approaching retirement age indicates the many are ‘confused’ by the changes.

Meanwhile an HBR focus group of people in their twenties indicates that there will be no change on April 6. “I was confused before and I’m still confused now” says Marketing Executive James. “Should I start saving now? How much will I get back? When is what taxed and why? I’m none the wiser.” Meanwhile Accountant Anna is at a loss: “I make these monthly contributions out of my salary, but I couldn’t for the life of me tell you where they went. Who has my savings and what does employer-matching mean anyway?”

So while these changes may be disorientating for the older generation, for the young it is business as usual.

Tagged , , , , ,


Students and Faculty were united in shock after Harford MBA student Casey Fornhum was sentenced to 20 days community service.
The student, described as a “pretty chill guy” by his contemporaries and as “amazingly literal-minded” by his Professors, was arrested after being caught on CCTV repeatedly shoplifting Hole Foodz, a hipster delicatessen.
Casey offered no explanation, simply stating that when he had been told his presentation skills needed “more conviction” he might have got the wrong end of the stick.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Pair go public

After weeks of speculation, Henry & Sarah have finally gone public, announcing their relationship to their family and friends. In a move that was no surprise to analysts, the former best friends explained that they had been secretly seeing each other for the last few months, and were finally confident enough to let everyone know.

“We were initially slightly worried, because we didn’t want to compromise our friendship, but now we’re going to give it a proper go,” said Sarah at the subsequent press conference.

Shares rose on the first day of trading, as mutual friends and acquaintances expressed their support for the company, and their confidence in the couple’s long term value. “We’ve always said they should get together,” explained classmate Jesse, “they could definitely go the distance.”

However not all investors are quite so rosy, with some already shorting the stock, notably Henry’s mother Janet: “She always seemed nice enough, but I don’t think she’s marrying material; she is certainly not good enough for my Henry.”

Tagged , , , , ,

CEO upset by PowerPoint Presentation

The CEO of a major FMCG company has been left underwhelmed by the end result of a 6-month long consulting project. Hastings Products hired Asco Partners to carry out an analysis on their product portfolio, and to make recommendations for growth. The project culminated on Friday in a 3 hour long Powerpoint presentation and discussion.

“It just wasn’t up to scratch, to be honest,” explains CEO Henry Fick. “I was mainly disappointed that they couldn’t do a more professional job.”

The source of Fick’s angst is quite specific. “I have absolutely no problem with the analysis done, and actually found the recommendations very insightful,” he relates. “My problem was more with the PowerPoint presentation. I am no slideshow expert, but it was just so boring. The font was just the default setting, Arial. Even I know how to do Papyrus, and I’d even have been ok with Comic Sans. It’s like they weren’t even trying!”

He continues: “It was just so bland, chart this and chart that. Where’s the Clip Art? Where’s the ‘underwater’ background? And even my 11-year-old can do that spinny animation thing when you click. What was I even paying for?”

The slides in question were made in Powerpoint by analyst Jane Williams, who insists that they were “in line with Asco standard presentation.” However Mr Fick is not convinced. “When you’re spending $1M on a consulting project, you want more than the standard, you want premium. And I won’t be satisfied until the Hastings logo bounces across the screen unexpectedly.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The end of corporate stakeholders

After a seeming eternity of struggle, mankind has finally defeated the Undead. On a momentous day for humanity, the forces of goodness and light at last succeeded in banishing the Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies from the face of planet Earth.

This has led to widespread celebration, as the world renounces its collective fear of the dark, however there is one small segment of society who actually find themselves out of a job. Business stakeholders, stalwarts of commerce for decades, have all been made redundant.

“I never thought this day would come,” explains Stakeholder Trade Union President Peter Henderson. “When I went into Stakeholding 35 years ago, I thought it was a good stable profession, I thought businesses would always need people with stakes to protect against vampire attacks. Turns out I was wrong.”

Indeed this sentiment is widely observed across the industry. Once a key commercial focus, stakeholders would be situated all over organisations, and were regularly consulted and considered when decisions were made. However as vampires have become a less regular threat in recent years, the need for stakeholders’ services has been declining.

“We just haven’t had that many attacks recently, let alone attacks requiring a stake through the heart,” said one CEO, who asked to remain anonymous. “It was always good to have Stakeholders around, mainly for team morale, but for the last couple of years they’ve mostly been decoration.”

Consulting firms have also felt the effects. Strategy Consultant Jennifer Sibthorpe explains: “Interviewing the key stakeholders in the business used to be one of our core competencies, a real way we could add value, but as Count Dracula’s forces dwindled in number, that became less and less useful for our clients. It’s a shame, but businesses have moved on.”

Stakeholders maintain that they perform multiple other services, citing their expertise with both Garlic and Holy Water, but these services have struggled to gain traction outside now-defunct Undead protection departments.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Business hires PR PR firm

Simeon Software, an analytics software provider, has appointed Meetoo Media as its Global PR-PR partner. This does not affect its existing relationship with PR firm Able Agency, who currently hold a global multimedia mandate with the software company, responsible for all consumer and corporate messaging.

Ralph Simmonds, CEO at Simeon, explains: “We felt that we weren’t getting our message across to our PR partners at Able in a cohesive way, so they were struggling to do their job. Now, with Meetoo’s track record, we fully expect to increase engagement with our PR firm, across all social media channels.”

This is the latest in a long line of successes for Meetoo Media, who have built a “third sector” within advertising, helping businesses better communicate with their existing advertising and PR agencies. “Too many businesses these days rely purely on email to work with their PR agencies,” said Meetoo MD Lesley Lemon. “Instead, we work with our clients to engage their PR agency via Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and traditional media in order to better tell their story.  We’re really excited to start doing that with Simeon and Able.”

Tagged , , , , , , ,