Tag Archives: IT

Hawthorne Helpdesk bans Facebook

Employees at Hawthorne Helpdesk had reportedly been spending too much time on social media and streaming videos, prompting management to block the websites altogether.

“It’s a real pain, actually,” explains Account Executive Harry Simkins. “I used to spend about 60 percent of my time trolling people on Youtube comment threads, but now username 14yroldboybutbetterthanyou is lying dormant.”

However rather than the boost in productivity that management hoped for, the move has actually just increased the range of online extra-curriculars. “It’s so annoying, I’ve been forced to start reading improving articles just to get through the day,” says Executive Assistant Amy James. “I’ve even started taking Mandarin courses, when all I want to be doing is judging my friends’ beach bodies on Facebook.  Those mean comments won’t write themselves”.

The change has had severe negative effect on some members of the office. Sales rep Jim Wilson has been particularly struggling. “I’m becoming so well rounded as a person,” he tells HBR, “I’ve completely lost the ability to do banter with the boys. If I learn another useful and interesting fact I think I’ll go mad.”

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IT manager rumbled

The IT manager at a small stationery company has been revealed as a fraud. Tim Johnson, 45, has been at Swindon Paper Services for 25 years, but will now be leaving the company in search of a new opportunities after it was revealed that he actually has no idea how computers work.

“I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did, to be honest,” Tim told reporters. “I was originally a sales manager, but was made Head of IT because the MD said we needed one, and I’d once managed to fix the fax machine.”

“We barely used computers at the time, you see, and as we went more and more digital no one thought to check whether I knew what I was doing.”

His colleagues admit that they were slow to catch on. “He types with one finger, which should have been a give away,” says Jessica, 34, “and sometimes he’d just be sitting there staring at a blank screen for hours at a time. I don’t know how we didn’t clock it!”

Tim credits his longevity to one simple rule, “turn it off and on again”. “People love that stuff! And somehow it seems to work. I’d also keep ordering computer type stuff, like servers and things like that. The funny thing is we’ve got all these servers and I still don’t know what they do.  But somehow I’ve got a whole room for them!”

Meanwhile, Swindon Paper Services are looking for a new IT manager. “We wish Tim the best of luck, of course,” said MD Ted Vickers, “but now we need an IT man for the modern era. I want big data, and I want it now.”

Despite having been posted on the community centre notice board for two days, the company is yet to receive any applications for the role. Tim holds no grudges. “Good luck to the new guy. It’s a pretty cushy job, though it might be more difficult if he actually has to do some work.”

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