Tag Archives: Business

The end of corporate stakeholders

After a seeming eternity of struggle, mankind has finally defeated the Undead. On a momentous day for humanity, the forces of goodness and light at last succeeded in banishing the Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies from the face of planet Earth.

This has led to widespread celebration, as the world renounces its collective fear of the dark, however there is one small segment of society who actually find themselves out of a job. Business stakeholders, stalwarts of commerce for decades, have all been made redundant.

“I never thought this day would come,” explains Stakeholder Trade Union President Peter Henderson. “When I went into Stakeholding 35 years ago, I thought it was a good stable profession, I thought businesses would always need people with stakes to protect against vampire attacks. Turns out I was wrong.”

Indeed this sentiment is widely observed across the industry. Once a key commercial focus, stakeholders would be situated all over organisations, and were regularly consulted and considered when decisions were made. However as vampires have become a less regular threat in recent years, the need for stakeholders’ services has been declining.

“We just haven’t had that many attacks recently, let alone attacks requiring a stake through the heart,” said one CEO, who asked to remain anonymous. “It was always good to have Stakeholders around, mainly for team morale, but for the last couple of years they’ve mostly been decoration.”

Consulting firms have also felt the effects. Strategy Consultant Jennifer Sibthorpe explains: “Interviewing the key stakeholders in the business used to be one of our core competencies, a real way we could add value, but as Count Dracula’s forces dwindled in number, that became less and less useful for our clients. It’s a shame, but businesses have moved on.”

Stakeholders maintain that they perform multiple other services, citing their expertise with both Garlic and Holy Water, but these services have struggled to gain traction outside now-defunct Undead protection departments.

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Business is Awesome: Forecasting

Business is Awesome.  You know it, I know it.  This series is where I write about it.

It’s hard, being a person. As soon as you think you’re on top of something, the future comes along and surprises you. Like Alice in Wonderland, you’ve often got to keep running just to stay in the same place.

How do businesses cope with this future uncertainty? The answer is that they don’t have to! Every year, businesses are able to predict, or “forecast”, precisely what their sales and profits will be many years in the future. I have come across many businesses, and they can apparently all do it! I don’t know how, but what a wonderful weight off the mind.

It might seem like magic, but it’s just businesses being businesses. Isn’t business awesome?

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Dear Reader*

While we would hesitate to presuppose that this little nook of the internet occupies your thoughts beyond the approx. 30 seconds it takes to consume, we am going to be so bold as to apologise for not writing more often. We are ever so sorry.

How often, we hear you ask, all too eager to Ctrl+T on your journey across the internet? Well we haven’t written since the 2nd of August, which we think has been our longest drought since starting, and it was pretty sparse before that too.

Has there been a shortage of business goings on? Well you might have noticed that it has been the summer, and as is customary round our neck of the woods, people go on vacation or “annual leave”. So there has been some of that. But by all accounts business has been booming – have you heard that the iPhone 6 is coming out?

The greater worry, we suppose, is that there is no more satire to be had in business, that they’ve got it figured out and are beyond reproof! We will be the first to reassure you, that as long as there is synergy, there is almost certainly satire.  Fear not.

So here we go. We must spend less time doing deals, and more time trying to write in full sentences. With grammar, and without made up words. So easier said than done.

*We say reader, because we assume that our audience = 1. Hi Mum.

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Business Interest: Suggestion #3

HBR has written previously about the current low rate of interest in the UK’s economy.  In this series, HBR investigates the British public’s lack of interest in the subject, and tries to work out what is best to do about it

The internet age has changed the way people consume information. Where previously the power was in the hands of the producer, on the limitless internet it is now the end user of information who is in control. With endless topics to choose from, the coronation is now complete; the consumer is king.

In this consumer-centric world, an article’s title has become all the more important. Description is no longer sufficient; now one must be titillated or intrigued to be persuaded to click through. People also love lists.

Despite this new world order, the business world has not yet cottoned on, with the same old descriptive, informative headlines being rolled out. Only today, example headlines included such drones as “Lloyds fined £218M over Libor”, and “Prudential Regulation Authority consults on implementing the Bank Recovery and Resolution Directive”.

I’m sorry, I think I just briefly drifted off. That simply won’t cut the mustard! Here are some suggestions for business headlines that will give business interest the bump it deserves:

  • Bank fined How Much for dodgy banking practices?
  • The Prudential Regulation Authority had a pow-wow. What they found will SHOCK you
  • What it really means to be the Bank of England
  • Doctors hate this business cost saving. Find out why
  • Please don’t make this common emerging economy mistake
  • Undeniable proof that dividends are interesting
  • Which multinational conglomerate are you?
  • 13 marketing hacks that YOU need to know
  • This Mom found a new way to analyse equities
  • 17 insults bankers are tired of hearing
  • 61 things you didn’t know about the inflation (and I’m not talking about balloons)
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Business Interest: Suggestion #2

HBR has written previously about the current low rate of interest in the UK’s economy.  In this series, HBR investigates the British public’s lack of interest in the subject, and tries to work out what is best to do about it

Spoiler – a description of an important plot development in a television programme, film, etc. before it is shown to the public

People love spoilers.  There is something about finding something out ahead of time that is both intoxicating and attractive. If an article says “Spoiler alert”, I will read it even if I don’t watch the television programme it relates to!

Why are keen business minds not making the most of this magnificent tool? All too many financial articles start with something dreary, perhaps along the lines of “Industrial output” or “Fed bond”. That’s just not going to get bums on seats! Open with an enticing “Spoiler alert:”, circulation will jump and interest in business will soon follow.

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Business is Awesome: Currency trading

Business is Awesome.  You know it, I know it.  This series is where I write about it.

Everyone knows how shops work. You go into a shop, you choose things that you want, you exchange those goods for a given amount of money. Everyone is a winner – you have a product or service you want, and the retailer or service provider gets the money they need.  Simple.

What if I told you that you could use money, to buy money, that was somehow worth more money than the money you used to buy the money?

I’ll hold on a second while you read that back.

I know right?! That seems crazy! But that’s what Currency Traders do every day.  They somehow turn money into more money just by buying money!

I will admit that I’m not that clear on the details, but regardless, this is just another way in which Business is Awesome.  Making money by buying money? What will they think of next.

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Business is War: Over the top

As previously discussed, the Hardly Business Review is a strong proponent of war as a metaphor for the business world. In this post, our resident historian brings learnings from the First World War to your modern-day business

The First World War was a human calamity of epic proportions, claiming almost ten million lives from 1914 to 1918, with trench warfare the best remembered mode of combat.

The definitive war of attrition, with two well-equipped combatants grinding each other down over time, trench warfare could in some ways be compared to today’s smartphone clash of the titans, or the daily battle for the consumer in supermarket aisles.

The trenches demanded the attention of the finest military minds of a generation, as both sides inched to get the upper hand, so it goes without saying that the modern business leader has a lot to learn from his military forebears.

The first change you can apply to your business is structural. If Field Marshall Haig didn’t need to be near the frontlines, then why on earth should you be anywhere near your workforce? Leadership from afar was a great success in World War I, inspiring great team loyalty, and it will likely benefit your business too. Move the CEO’s office to the Bahamas, and you’ll see a huge boost in morale.

You can also learn a lot from the hiring model adopted in the First World War.  The British Army instituted a “conscription” system in 1916, and saw an instant boost in employee numbers. If your business applies the same system to new hires, you will see significant sales growth, assuming constant revenue per employee. Don’t waste time trying to attract good applicants, just put in place a system where they are obliged by law and national duty to work for you and you’ll have no problems.

There are similar lessons to be learned for your HR department, once your veritable army of employees has been hired.  Today’s workforce is cosseted, with everyone bemoaning their work-life balance. The trenches, by contrast, were rife with disease, where the balance of interest was in terms of life and death. Today’s economy barely wobbled through the recession, while the men in the trenches went at it tooth and nail for five years.  The implication is clear: if you want a tireless workforce, worry less about personal development, and more about spreading cholera and dysentery.

What about implementing your strategy? Field Marshal Haig et al can also help you here too. While it may appear that speed of execution is crucial, the Generals of the Great War actually favoured a slow approach when going “over the top”, approaching oncoming fire in a measured and orderly fashion.  And while this tactic admittedly led to huge loss of life, the Allies did win the war (in the end). So stop worrying about first movers advantage, and adopt a snail’s pace. If it’s good enough for military men of yore, it’s good enough for you.

The final aspect of business strategy where the trenches can reassure you is innovation. In the land of technology, innovation is king, but what if none of your projects get off the ground?  What if all your new ideas fail? The key is not to worry, and to just try the same thing over again. Field Marshal Haig steadfastly believed, no matter how many times it failed, that  walking his soldiers slowly over the top would topple the German fortifications, and he was right (in the end). If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea, it’s just bad luck! If one advertising campaign fails, just run it again. If a new brand falls flat, give it another go.  It will surely work this time round.

So it is organisational change and strategic reassurance we receive, from these great military men. Heed this advice, and after four years and significant loss of life, your business will achieve its potential.

Hat-tip: Blackadder

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Business is war: Leading from the Front

The comparison of business to the art of war is often made, drawing on the experience of dead generals to address commercial problems.

While there are some aspects of war that I would certainly not inflict upon my coworkers (e.g. slaughter, copious blood), I have often found these comparisons ring true.  In this post I will discuss how applying military thinking has helped my business succeed.

One of the key components of leadership is how you are perceived by your followers – are you a strong, confident person? Or are you shy and retiring, afraid of the fight?

Hard as it may be to believe, 10 years ago I was once very much in the former camp, at least in the eyes of my team.  I spent hours poring over the literature, desperate to discover what was lacking  It soon became clear to me – I was not leading from the front.

Being the first to enter the fray is an often-used way in which military figures gain respect from their soldiers, and I found the same to be true in business.

Instead of walking to meetings willy-nilly, I began to have my teams walk behind me, in formation. When sitting at a boardroom table, I would place my seat 2 feet in front of everyone elses. In all conversations I would make sure to have the first word, and never the last.  The results were remarkable.  I was suddenly spoken to differently, by both my team and my clients.  Where previously I had been a person, I was now a leader.

I quickly reorganized the whole way we did business. I placed my office at the front of the building, with all other desks behind mine. I installed an entrance such that I could walk in backwards, ensuring that I never have any member of my organisation behind me, always leading from the front. I haven’t seen any of my co-workers’ faces in years, and business is booming. If you lead from the front maybe yours will too.

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