Tag Archives: Business

Business Interest: US Rates Rise

Breaking News from our colleagues in the US, as interest rates rise for the first time since 2008, increasing by 0.25%. Janet Yellen of the US Federal Reserve reported the increase, saying that the public’s interest in business was “improving well and expected to continue to strengthen.”

This development is expected to have implications across the world, as international consumers inevitably follow US trends. Interest in business and the economy could well be the next Game of Thrones, as water coolers around the globe reverberate with the latest EBITDA gossip.

Meanwhile some commentators have connected the increase in US interest with the recent return this week of a noted online blog-type business site, after more than a year of absence. Coincidence? Your correspondent could not possibly comment.

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The Business Alphabet

Always Be Closing

Don’t Entertain Failure

Generate Huge Innovation

Just Kill Laziness

Make Numerous Opportunities

Produce Qualified Recommendations

Synergy Triumphs Unilaterally

Value Wins Xtra

Yachts

Zigzag

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Business is Awesome: Mad Men

Have you seen Mad Men? I love Mad Men. Don Draper is such a cool guy, and boy can he pull off a suit.

What if I told you that you could be just like Don Draper, every single day? You’ve guessed right, I’m talking about business. In business, you are required, nay obliged to wear a suit every day. Just like Mad Men! And a tie too.

Of course other features prevalent in Mad Men, such as day-drinking, institutional sexism, and indoor-smoking are less encouraged in a business setting. But from a sartorial standpoint, Business = suits = Mad Men. Isn’t business awesome?

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The end of corporate stakeholders

After a seeming eternity of struggle, mankind has finally defeated the Undead. On a momentous day for humanity, the forces of goodness and light at last succeeded in banishing the Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies from the face of planet Earth.

This has led to widespread celebration, as the world renounces its collective fear of the dark, however there is one small segment of society who actually find themselves out of a job. Business stakeholders, stalwarts of commerce for decades, have all been made redundant.

“I never thought this day would come,” explains Stakeholder Trade Union President Peter Henderson. “When I went into Stakeholding 35 years ago, I thought it was a good stable profession, I thought businesses would always need people with stakes to protect against vampire attacks. Turns out I was wrong.”

Indeed this sentiment is widely observed across the industry. Once a key commercial focus, stakeholders would be situated all over organisations, and were regularly consulted and considered when decisions were made. However as vampires have become a less regular threat in recent years, the need for stakeholders’ services has been declining.

“We just haven’t had that many attacks recently, let alone attacks requiring a stake through the heart,” said one CEO, who asked to remain anonymous. “It was always good to have Stakeholders around, mainly for team morale, but for the last couple of years they’ve mostly been decoration.”

Consulting firms have also felt the effects. Strategy Consultant Jennifer Sibthorpe explains: “Interviewing the key stakeholders in the business used to be one of our core competencies, a real way we could add value, but as Count Dracula’s forces dwindled in number, that became less and less useful for our clients. It’s a shame, but businesses have moved on.”

Stakeholders maintain that they perform multiple other services, citing their expertise with both Garlic and Holy Water, but these services have struggled to gain traction outside now-defunct Undead protection departments.

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Business is Awesome: Forecasting

Business is Awesome.  You know it, I know it.  This series is where I write about it.

It’s hard, being a person. As soon as you think you’re on top of something, the future comes along and surprises you. Like Alice in Wonderland, you’ve often got to keep running just to stay in the same place.

How do businesses cope with this future uncertainty? The answer is that they don’t have to! Every year, businesses are able to predict, or “forecast”, precisely what their sales and profits will be many years in the future. I have come across many businesses, and they can apparently all do it! I don’t know how, but what a wonderful weight off the mind.

It might seem like magic, but it’s just businesses being businesses. Isn’t business awesome?

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Dear Reader*

While we would hesitate to presuppose that this little nook of the internet occupies your thoughts beyond the approx. 30 seconds it takes to consume, we am going to be so bold as to apologise for not writing more often. We are ever so sorry.

How often, we hear you ask, all too eager to Ctrl+T on your journey across the internet? Well we haven’t written since the 2nd of August, which we think has been our longest drought since starting, and it was pretty sparse before that too.

Has there been a shortage of business goings on? Well you might have noticed that it has been the summer, and as is customary round our neck of the woods, people go on vacation or “annual leave”. So there has been some of that. But by all accounts business has been booming – have you heard that the iPhone 6 is coming out?

The greater worry, we suppose, is that there is no more satire to be had in business, that they’ve got it figured out and are beyond reproof! We will be the first to reassure you, that as long as there is synergy, there is almost certainly satire.  Fear not.

So here we go. We must spend less time doing deals, and more time trying to write in full sentences. With grammar, and without made up words. So easier said than done.

*We say reader, because we assume that our audience = 1. Hi Mum.

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Business Interest: Suggestion #3

HBR has written previously about the current low rate of interest in the UK’s economy.  In this series, HBR investigates the British public’s lack of interest in the subject, and tries to work out what is best to do about it

The internet age has changed the way people consume information. Where previously the power was in the hands of the producer, on the limitless internet it is now the end user of information who is in control. With endless topics to choose from, the coronation is now complete; the consumer is king.

In this consumer-centric world, an article’s title has become all the more important. Description is no longer sufficient; now one must be titillated or intrigued to be persuaded to click through. People also love lists.

Despite this new world order, the business world has not yet cottoned on, with the same old descriptive, informative headlines being rolled out. Only today, example headlines included such drones as “Lloyds fined £218M over Libor”, and “Prudential Regulation Authority consults on implementing the Bank Recovery and Resolution Directive”.

I’m sorry, I think I just briefly drifted off. That simply won’t cut the mustard! Here are some suggestions for business headlines that will give business interest the bump it deserves:

  • Bank fined How Much for dodgy banking practices?
  • The Prudential Regulation Authority had a pow-wow. What they found will SHOCK you
  • What it really means to be the Bank of England
  • Doctors hate this business cost saving. Find out why
  • Please don’t make this common emerging economy mistake
  • Undeniable proof that dividends are interesting
  • Which multinational conglomerate are you?
  • 13 marketing hacks that YOU need to know
  • This Mom found a new way to analyse equities
  • 17 insults bankers are tired of hearing
  • 61 things you didn’t know about the inflation (and I’m not talking about balloons)
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